Thursday, November 26, 2009
The Prog Hall Permanent Display is OPEN!
After months of legal wrangling and endless court challenges, the votes have been tallied and the people have SPOKEN! The Prog community has had its say on who the initial entrants to the Progressive Rock Hall of Infamy (Groups Division) should be and...let's just say it's a worthy bunch of overblown, pretentious and altogether shitty bands who are to be enshrined on this Thanksgiving. A real bunch of turkeys, I guess you could say lolololol11111!!!!!
A few late ballots came in, and it certainly made the final tallying easier; 60 people took precious time out of their lives to castigate and defame the five absolute worst Progressive Rock bands they could think of, and, incredibly, it was a tight vote that was limited to just a handful of the original nominees. At the extreme end, one band received an incredible 49 votes; I'm not going to say who, but what I will say is that this is something I've had a suspicion about for a long, long time. The second place tally was 46; again, it's pretty obvious that the big name Prog bands are what people associate with the music, and that's why Prog remains, easily, the most reviled form of music in the rock n' roll era. A certain justice has been arrived at today, with the final counting of the votes. Now, enshrined in Infamy, these fuckers with their massive egos, bloated productions, flying pianos and all other kind of infamous bullshit, will at last have to face the wrath of an irate Prog public who have had it with them and their kind.
Without further ado, then, and in no particular order, the initial Faecal Five of the Progressive Rock Hall of Infamy, Permanent Exhibit:
Emerson, Lake and Palmer: While I knew, deep in my gut, that this was a largely disgraced and secretly loathed supergroup whose reputation was almost solely the work of legend and public relations run amok, I was simply not prepared for the level of vitriol and hatred directed at good old ELP. I mean, wow- even by my standards some of the comments The Curator received were harsh. "I hate them like I hate the AIDS" was by no means the most cruel; "Like listening to paint dry" (a goddamn good line, I must say), "Ruined the best acid trip I ever had going to see them play live in Santa Monica", "Fuck these bloated pieces of shit" and "Keith Emerson could die tomorrow and I wouldn't bat an eye" are just the very best of an incredibly vicious lot. ELP made it in with plenty of room to spare; indeed, it could be said that they are perhaps the most hated band in Prog history. Welcome back, my friends...
YES: Another no brainer as far as I'm concerned, but again, it was the volume and vitriol of the rancor directed at this band that blew me away. Now, perhaps it's because your Curator has established an unusually high level of violent rhetoric to show his displeasure at certain bands, and folks feel they need to "live down" the obloquy and scorn I dispense like cyanide at a cult picnic. But still, Steve Howe was referred to as a "faggot", "wretched old woman", "prickly little cunt" and- my favorite- "a wizened, toothless little cocksucker". And Jon Anderson was mocked by correspondents for everything from his New Age beliefs to the fact that his liver is failing and he's in the process of dying- which, almost as if on cue, one voter chalked up to the fact that "obviously the shit has AIDS". Yes produced, easily, the most homophobic of tirades ever seen at the PRHOI, and while The Curator is normally staunchly opposed to such shenanigans and hate, in the case of Yes he will allow it makes a certain degree of sense. any band that is responsible for Tormato has coming to it whatever the Prog listening public decides to send their way.
RUSH: Folks seem to not want to hate Rush, but can't stop themselves all the same. Allowances were made for the exceptional musicianship displayed by the Canadian power trio, but the combination of Geddy Lee's banshee-like vocals and the absolute utter gobshite Neil Peart had him singing combined to make enjoyment of Rush's music impossible. A few writers wished death upon the boys, but most just seem to want them to go away; after 30 years and an incredible run of boring, mundane and bad albums starting with the Rupert Hine-produced Presto in 1989, all agree that Rush has absolutely nothing left to say. Yet they keep saying it, and- incredibly- the insanely loyal fan base they have developed keeps buying it.
STYX: I admit, if Styx hadn't made the cut, I might have had to have jumped in and used The Curator's veto, which is much like invoking papal infallibility for important issues like whether Jesus' mommy went straight to Heaven or had to languish in Purgatory with a bunch of Samaritan blasphemers and Babylonian holy pimps. But no fear here; what The Curator considers to be, easily, the most enjoyable of Bad Prog titans, Styx punched their ticket the moment Dennis DeYoung put on a robot mask and dared tell a dystopic future tale of a world where rock music is outlawed and only Tommy Shaw can save the day. Still my favorite video ever made, The Curator urges you to not only watch "Mr. Roboto" for old times sakes, but download the entire concert video Caught in the Act, thoughtfully uploaded for your viewing pleasure by my co-curator, DJ Micah. There's nothing like it in the history of music; hysteria and pretense from start to finish, and every last second of it sung in a shrill, trilling falsetto fashioned by the worst singer in the history of Prog, Mr. DeYoung himself. Come sail away, friends...
Dream Theater: The one "Neo-Prog" outfit who made this ultra-elite initial class at the PRHOI, Dream Theater is a band so dreadful that even their defenders go out of their way to explain why they can understand why other people hate them. I can honestly say that if there was ever a PRHOI convention, it would be wise for James LaBrie to stay away from it, because he almost certainly would be raped, dismembered and eaten by the participants. How can I say this? Well, because one voter devoted an entire paragraph of their ballot to denouncing the band members one by one, and saving LaBrie for last, finish with the observation that "I'm not gay, but I'd rape LaBrie anyway just for sucking so much and really there's no excuse for that band, and his singing, and he needs to be chopped up and fed to starving lepers if you really want to know the truth." Well, The Curator loves him a good run-on sentence, and that one, loaded as it is with just primal violence and hatred, is a real winner. Welcome to the Hall, Mr. LaBrie and...keep your pants up, boy.
Okay, there it is, the "Turkey Day Massacre" at the PRHOI. I'll do a new round of inductions sometime around the New Year, so keep tuned and, as always, if you have suggestions, comments, rants, raves, hates- even death threats, I love them the most- please, don't be shy, and send them to me courtesy of email@example.com Until next time, keep on Proggin', and try not to listen to anything that sucks. Cheers, - TR
PS- Special Bonus: Here's James LaBrie doing the "Canadian Rap" while performing with an MC who seems to think saying "suck on my ass and balls" constitutes a "rap". A real cheeseball suckfest straight from the asshole of Prog, LaBrie really proves why Dream Theater is the absolute worst band in the world, at least a "real" band still putting out records and stuff. Happy Turkey Day, and again, enjoy.